Fret's Place | |||||||||||||||||
|
| |||||||||||||||||
|
fret37 I'm 43 years old, from Michigan, USA. If you like office jokes (usually adult humor & are not easily offended) see below. | ||||||||||||||||
|
| |||||||||||||||||
|
Desiderata Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however be humble; it is a real possession in the changing of fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less then the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And weather not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you may conceive him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all it's shame, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. be careful. strive to be happy. It has been argued where exactly Desiderata came from, but these are the two rumored places I know of so far.) -found in Old Saint Paul's Church, Baltimore; Dated 1692. -It was written by Max Ehrmann in 1927, and copyrighted in in 1948 by his widow, Betty. Through a lawsuit, it had been labeled Public Domain(anyone can use it) since 1975. *********************************************************************************** Check out the link below to get your own 20MB of free webspace? This page will be updated as often as possible Just remember if you like what you see feel free to email me with your comments | ||||||||||||||||
|
The joys of my life are my girls (the 2 listed to the Left are living with me) (cute ain't they)? Office Jokes # 4 We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you. The beatings will continue until morale improves. We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired. What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier. I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project. I see you have no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under qualified for entry level positions. I thought my boss was a jerk, so I quit to work for myself. My new boss is a jerk too...but at least I respect him. ********************************************************************************************** A little girl asked her father, "What's sex?" The father was surprised at the question, but had decided she was old enough to know the whole story. When he'd finished explaining, the little girl was staring at him with wide eyes, so he asked, "Why did you ask that question?" The little girl said, "Mom told me to tell you dinner would be ready in a few secs." ********************************************************************************************** Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday." ********************************************************************************************** You might be a Government Worker if: 1. You sat at the same desk for 3 years and the office was reorganized 3 times. 2. Your office welcome sign is attached with Velcro. 3. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. 4. The agency logo on your badge is applied with stick-um. 5. You have to call home to check the weather. 6. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie. 7. You get excited about a 3% pay raise. 8. You learn about your agency's downsizing on the Nightly Business Report. 9. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. 10. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet. ********************************************************************************************** For those who don't know, the Annual Darwin Award goes to the person who does mankind a favor by removing him/herself from the human gene pool by killing them self in a most stupid manner. (many of you will remember "LARRY" from last year and his attempted "flight" over southern california in the LAWN CHAIR). First the wannabes. These people made a valiant attempt to win the award, but just don't quite qualify, as their genes are still available to the human genetic pool: TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the middle of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and pulled his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the frigid waters of the Tacoma Narrows and Puget Sound and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "Is that God was watching out for me on that night. There was just no other explanation for it." Bingham's severed foot was never located. (Drum roll, please!) Now for the latest Darwin Award Candidates: Los Angeles, CA - Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a "pineapple." A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki need stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ian was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation enroute to the hospital. Minneapolis, MN - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional REVOLVER) to Ken's head and fired. Phillipsburg, NJ - An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequinned pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk." 1997 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (i.e. Non-fatalities) (#1) Gulf Breeze, Florida, three unidentified teenage males were using a home video camera to film an action/adventure "movie" one of the boys had written. In a scene that called for one character to be ignited by fire, the "special effects coordinator," age 15, prepared the "stunt" youth by dousing lighter fluid onto his clothes. The intentional fire, which proved unexpectedly difficult to extinguish, left the young man with third degree burns on his left arm, torso, and both legs. It was all captured on film. (#2) In Bradford, PA, J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in his yard. As a joke he placed the snake in a container which he handed to his wife. She opened the container and, startled to see the snake, dropped it. The excited and, as it turns out, poisonous, snake immediately bit Mr. Cruwe on the shin. Mr Cruwe survived the wound and recovered after a short visit to the local emergency room. (#3) In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels deck. Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "Followed by a loud thud.". Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries."It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt. ********************************************************************************************** The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000: 1.Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 5.Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6.Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 10.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 11.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." 12.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 14.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) 15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) 20.User Error: Replace user. 21.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" 22.Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due... 23.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security? 24.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way. ********************************************************************************************** HOW TO HANDLE STRESS Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill. Pop some popcorn without the lid on When someone says,"Have a nice day!", tell them you have other plans. During your next meeting, sneeze and then loudly suck the phlegm back down your throat. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like! Make a list of things you have already done. Dance naked in front of your pets. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to preschool as if nothing was wrong. Thumb through your National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives. Go shopping. Buy everythng. Sweat in them. Return them the next day. Drive to work in reverse. Read the dictionary backwards and look for the subliminal messages. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you. Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room. Have a nice day!! ********************************************************************************************** WHERE AM I? A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I ?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determine the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." ********************************************************************************************** WHAT IF DR. SEUSS WROTE COMPUTER MANUALS? If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your windows in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash. If the lable on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom! ********************************************************************************************** A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room." The origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck. Do not keep this letter. Do not send money. Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. You will see that something good happens to you four days from now if the chain is not broken. You will receive good luck in four days. **************************************************** The New Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. ********************************************************************************************** A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks." "From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way. When I say: Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to screw all night." The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to screw. After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!" "What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks. "More hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!" ********************************************************************************************** | ||||||||||||||||
| |||||||||||||||||
|
This page has been visited
|